What am I up to?

Thursday, December 4, 2003
The subject is hanging around my mind for quite a while. As I sit here & try to define what my thoughts are, it’s dancing in my brain like a naughty child.
Where did it first come to me? I don’t know exactly…. I mean one day I wake up & it was there. But of course I put off thinking about it, just pushing it away so I can concentrate more on study.
Then this dizzy feeling started to creep in my head. & little by little I adapted myself with rescheduling my life, & changing my body clock so I would be asleep in the pick hour of dizziness. (I’m still in the process of recovering though).
What really bother me was the way my friends acted toward my personal problem… they just freaked out, scared & tried to help me by worrying about my health. Which I do appreciate but it gave me some sort of a feeling that my privacy is invaded…. So foolishly I got into a fight with them over nothing! & well, Ava suggested that I must reconsider myself, my behavior &….
Then it came to me once again & stronger… what am I doing? Not that I really don’t know, but it just doesn’t seem right anymore. This whole Masc. exam thing is just a cover to get me through another day. Actually I’m not even trying to study… & that’s very surprising! I used to dream myself being a professor teaching! & that means I have to work harder!
Yet it doesn’t seem right anymore! Yeah, if I’m to live for another 50 years, that would be what I should do. But if I die tonight, I would think that it was all waste of time! I do like Food Science & for sure I can handle factory or research jobs…. Still it wouldn’t satisfy me.
What I really want to do is wake up late, take my cup of tea & cookies to my bed & read the whole day (Like in summer vacations). & also I love to unleash my imagination, set it free & write down my dreams… or maybe get lost some where in dream-land & never face the reality of cold sabotaging life. Find it ironical?
So I’m still bewildered not knowing which way to go. Choose the decent life line & do as what I’m supposed to do, being the perfect first-borne, go find some cool job & rule everybody’s life till the time I find enough power to rule mine. Or fulfill my lazy dreams & take some time off & lower the chance of Admission in Masc. program?
The point is I’m doing the latter but it’s a burden on my conscience & I can’t enjoy it! What would you have done if you were in my shoes?