Changes

I wonder if I had changed into something I don’t want to be. Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know myself. It’s pretty unnerving when I find myself in a situation & I know that I’m acting in a wrong a way.
Isn’t it strange? During the last year, sometime during developing my job, I have turned into a judgmental, skeptical & guarded fellow who is always watching her back. My naturally easygoingness had altered to a rigid, up-to-a-limit decision making which had reduced the creativity in my job.
& that’s exactly what I’m supposed to be: a good-for-nothing OFFICER who only does what she is told or else she might lose her job. Due to some wicked lies of an addicted fibber I have transformed from an energetic young force in the site to a malicious melodrama queen who only seeks her own profits. & I guess I have my role in it: I had been over reacting to the wrong that was going on around me, & I had sticks to the ethics & morals I have been brought upon. It was not in my power to be leisurely oblivious to the deficiencies in my field. I could not sit & wait for people to do their jobs.
I have my mistakes too. I take business personal. I take my job as if my life depends on it; as if the whole free world destiny depends on accuracy & perfection of it. What’s more, patience had never been one of my practical virtues. I need to get to results in the shortest time possible.
All these had led me to land of doubtfulness. Indeed, I don’t know where I am going right now. There is no job-security, no job-satisfaction & nothing to start the day for. The pay-check is ok… it pays the bills & I get to have a lot fun. (& that means I earn enough to be able to afford the luxury of leisure.) However, as one of my colleagues once said: “We are all lost in the daily usualness of our lives.” We wake up, Go to Work, do the same job every day & come back home unsatisfied & hurt only to sleep & then wake up to yet another routine image of life.
Yet, I feel I need to set off to find new opportunities. Maybe it’s time I spread my wings & fellow with the wind & let the luck lead me away.
Iran’s critical condition is one of the few reasons I don’t like practice the idea above. Any move in the misty & uncertain situation we’re hanging in, can lead to a total disaster, cos there are no means to calculate the right moves. & I had lost the ability to risk. The funny point is, ironically not making a move too can lead to a catastrophe!
My contract will be over this week & there are talks of expanding it for the next 3 months. Till then I will have my Masc. exam results & shall be able to choose a right way out. Whatever may come, I don’t like the changes in me. I need to get back to the person I was before & soon.