I'm afraid that it might be true... that the world is about to face a crisis like it did in 20s... Almost everyone I know, everywhere has gone through some sort of economical chaos lately.
...
What makes me frighten is: I absolutely find no hope in future. There had always been a glimpse of hope in my heart... a barely-there light which allowed me to cope with whatever nonsense that came my way... now that light has faded into darkness also.
I look over my life and I see no thrill in living it: dull, dull existence of a black and bruised heart... How could that happen to me? Me, of all the people? Me, who had always been the smile in gray, gloomy days? Me, who had been the constant ball of energizer rays? Wasn't it supposed to happen when I would reach 40?
However, now, in the moment that I have ALMOST reached whatever goal I have planned to reach all my life, I feel NOTHING. I shrug: So what? What all the glories of a success magnifies in my life? What becomes of an overachiever?
My mind just shrugs again: No emotion brings excitement... no realization of a dream shocks me... absolute indifference.
I'm frightened: the indifference in me frightens me. The symptoms are there: I have stopped writing all together... no notepads on classes, no rush of words in a taxi, no sms blogs late in the night when I wake up and can not turn on the light, no twitters in crazy work times, no blog posts... no stories. NOTHING!
ans it scares me how easy it is to be forgotten... to be left out of life. How you can vanish mentally and go into a bubble that no one can break!
...
What makes me frighten is: I absolutely find no hope in future. There had always been a glimpse of hope in my heart... a barely-there light which allowed me to cope with whatever nonsense that came my way... now that light has faded into darkness also.
I look over my life and I see no thrill in living it: dull, dull existence of a black and bruised heart... How could that happen to me? Me, of all the people? Me, who had always been the smile in gray, gloomy days? Me, who had been the constant ball of energizer rays? Wasn't it supposed to happen when I would reach 40?
However, now, in the moment that I have ALMOST reached whatever goal I have planned to reach all my life, I feel NOTHING. I shrug: So what? What all the glories of a success magnifies in my life? What becomes of an overachiever?
My mind just shrugs again: No emotion brings excitement... no realization of a dream shocks me... absolute indifference.
I'm frightened: the indifference in me frightens me. The symptoms are there: I have stopped writing all together... no notepads on classes, no rush of words in a taxi, no sms blogs late in the night when I wake up and can not turn on the light, no twitters in crazy work times, no blog posts... no stories. NOTHING!
ans it scares me how easy it is to be forgotten... to be left out of life. How you can vanish mentally and go into a bubble that no one can break!
5 comments:
You sound like you might be depressed. I've gone through it many times. Here is my advice to you:
1. Go for a walk every day even if you don't feel like it. Trust me, one day you'll be out walking under a blue sky with white fluffy clouds and a flower will catch your eye. You will realize that the flower is so beautiful that it alone is worth living for, just so you can see it and smell it.
2. Make sure that at least once a week you do something face to face with a friend. I don't know what kinds of things you can do in Iran but I know that if I am feeling like it is too much to be social, I do something with someone else that doesnt require a lot of talking. Like, I might go with them to see a loud band play. Or I might go to the movies with a friend. The point is to get outside of yourself and share an experience with someone else. Even if you feel disconnected at first, eventually the feeling of connection will return.
Noooo please, please, please don't lose yr hope
Sweetie, what u r feeling is natural, from time to time we all go through this numbness...but eventually u wud find a source of energy that wud last u a life time...hang in there sweetie, hand in there, and seek to learn what all this madness is trying to teach you...it wud all turn out for the best, trust me :D
I totally know the inside-the-unbreakable-bubble feeling. It feels like no one can touch you or you'll shatter. The thing is, I wish I wasn't so blue myself so I could give you some kind words!
All I can do is to give you a big hug and tell you maybe we can live in that bubble together <3
Hopeless?
Is this U? I can't beleive.
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