It’s officially over.

We broke up & I feel free. I feel like I can fly. I never knew commitment could become a prison suffocating someone’s freedom to the extent that the soul begins to wither.
We’re still friends, if that would be what he could manage with & I don’t like to think that I hurt him. I just hope he would well-off on his own merry way.
Having a boyfriend was the stupidest mistake I ever done in my life.

Never Been the commitment type?

No... Commitment is good as long it does not cut your wings!
I'm the bird you cannot keep... You can only enjoy the song!

My Job Account has banned blogspot!

You wont believe it! They have found a word in the address as the 'Adult Maretial' which is blo..gspot. I can post in my blog through blogger & read the comments by turning on the comment moderation but I cannot view my blog myself! Isn't it strange?
I'm off to a trip this week & I'm looking forward to it. After the whole things that happened here at work I really need a break.
Sometime ago I thought "ok... maybe it's me who cannot work with jerks" but now it seems that the Jerks cant work with me.
My crew had gained an acknowlgment for our 'outstanding efforts concerning improvements on health issues' & yet the acknowlegment had turned into a tool to justify the wrong-doings of the contractor. We work hard, design healthy foods & struggle to make it as we are planned & someone else take credit of it!
It seems that I'm risking my job being 'the extreamist'! Whatever....
By the way, I need to exercise more. I started walking to the tower (my workplace) in the morning & that means I have to wake sooner! I had never been an early bird so that's kind of a problem. Yet I'm determind to do it. I need to find a way to let out the stress.

Being indifferent?

Ed you asked me why I was being indifferent to the whole situation going on in Iran. Why I did not mention anything about Women’s Right Demonstration where ladies have been beaten up by women! & why did I not react to the news that Government is going to classify minor religions over here? And why I act like ‘the only important matter you’re dealing with is the bastard over there at work’? you wanted to know if I had been there in the demonstration, if I consider the general atmosphere dangerous?
Yes! I had been there…. & yes I have seen my fellow-country-mates getting black & bruised. But what is the point of my writing? Over here is blog-land, where news is up-to-second there are hundreds of people (men & women) writing about it. I do appreciate their work of art as they enlighten the world about the situation we are in; however, there should be people like me who show the world the daily, uninteresting, tedious life.
Yes I had been there & I had witnessed the soldiers in that part of Tehran. I was not brave enough to join the demonstration but I had been there. And yes, I do participate in some NGOs regarding social matters, yet I do not live in fear on a daily basis.
What all these information does to Iranians outside Iran? They feel the ones down here are living in a hell, & they don’t have freedom to express themselves. That’s true to some extent, but you have to be here to understand the situation…. It’s not that dark here & we are not suffocating, At least not the ones who don’t want to!
I do face a lot of injustice everyday…. I’m looked down on cos I am woman. I see the needy trying to survive & I do find it hard sometimes to shut my mouth up on the racism against other religions than Islam. You are right! But could you tell me it’s different somewhere else?
Can you ensure me that if I immigrate to some idle place I would not face any of these injustice? Can you tell me that I would not be overlooked due to my religion, race or sex? Can I have the freedom to argue about the political policies of the government over there? Do you have the freedom to shout what you think of environment status, & if you do, does it make a difference?
I’m not being indifferent! No! I’m just trying to write my dairy here in world wide web. The daily life of someone who is not sophisticated enough to get caught up in the complicity of the world around her. People outside Iran need to see the routine life under the pressure. They need not to worry more than what they do now. I don’t want nice people like Alice worry themselves over us. We are still living… still fighting & still hopeful of a better life!

WorldCup & Me!

What the heck! I mean I had always been a soccer fan... a hard core one on that. & I guess it does not help that my national team is playing in the event! Soccer World Cup is one event where a lot of people all over the world take part in. When you are Iranian, Football ran through your blood like politics. You cannot avoid it!
However, today I am much disappointed in Team Melli's Coach, Goal-Keeper & the Attacker. Due to personal mistakes we lost to Mexico last night.... Which evokes the question that why would our coach put the one goal-keeper in the main who had recieve 11 goals in 2 not-so-important-home matches while there were younge & talented ones wasting their watching the show?

Keeping in Touch with Friends

I had been reading dear Lynn's Blogs a few days ago & I came across with her post about keeping in touch with friends & since I cannot leave her comments (due to the fact that my internet supplier filter them), I thought I leave it here for her to see it & maybe share it with others.
I have a friend whom I haven't met since 4 years ago & haven't talk to since almost a year ago, still I consider her my friend.... Cos friendship to me is not about the time you spend with eachother, it's more about the way they stand up for you & the way you feel about them. I know that she will be here anytime I need her & visa versa if she goes (God forbid) into any trouble I would stand by her till the End. Friendship as Lynn had mentioned needs working on. You need to stay in touch & to give in order to maintain it, however. There is saying in Persian which goes: "One who is out of eyes (in not in sight), is out of hearts (is forgotten)." & that is true most of the times.
Yet there are times when I dont feel like being nice to my friends. There are times I wish to be left alone & I wish to abandon everyone & close up. A good friend will definitely understand my need for loneliness. They will understand that I need my own time to rearrange myself. & a while later I will go back & make it up to them.
On the other hand, sometimes spending time apart would enforce the friendship. It will let you consider the possible ways to improve the relationship & figure out the points that you could not see while inside the relationship.
Anyhow, Dear Lynn I'm gratefull that you keep in touch with me.
PS: El... if you ever get to read this post, I just want you know I still love you & You're always in my heart. Your Twin.

Nostalgia

Well, I want to dedicate this post to my friends on whom I have not updated for a while. It’s not that I have been ignoring them; it’s just that I never wanted to believe that we have changed.
What happened to that old gang who used to play around & have fun? We set out to find what life has stored in bag for us.
At school we used to hang out & do almost everything jointly. We managed homework, projects & curricular activities together, doing our best creating a world of success around us. WE were invincible.
Then life moved on; & we moved on as well. Boys attended military service & we started working each one in a different field. The gang still meets up every now & then however the time is too limited for us who used to be together 24/7.
Pat, Mat & Lolly-pop have started their own hydroponic Strawberry farm & are planning a packaging unit for their farm just as they got out of military services. Ava works for a reputable confectionary factory as R&D manager.
Miss Poetess is getting her masters degree & is about to get married to wealthy guy. She & Teddy sort of fell out of the gang & they headed their own way.
Miss Sensitive had gotten married a while ago & moved to north of Iran with her husband, though she is still attending our get-togethers as much as she can & have stay in touch. She is the technical manager of a preserving company.
Mamoosh is now working as the head manager of one of our friend’s factory. She is very well respected & very successful in her career. Her boyfriend is planning their wedding in the near future.
And then there’s me, who still work as food hygiene expert & I try to do my best but sometimes it’s hard to cooperate with the stupid guys around me.
& yeah, I’m breaking up with my boyfriend… there is nothing wrong with him or our relationship but I feel bored & disappointed cos love was not what I always thought it would be. There is no argument, no harm, not a single disagreement yet I feel caged & sentenced to commitment at the verge of suffocating. I need my privacy back. I need to be on my own. I need to feel free of the guilt that I don’t share my time & interests with him. He had been a very nice guy, too romantic sometimes but I feel like throwing up whenever I heard a sentimental word. Isn’t that strange? I had always been the touchy-feely one, however I move away from him recently.
It’s not him. It’s me. & I don’t know what to do. I tried to talk him into breaking up but it’s not working. He is not ready to let go & that’s bad. What shall I do?

The Caricature

Well, you might have heard of the offending caricature that has been published in a news paper here in Iran. A group of our country-mates had been offended since it has been written in a local language of west-north of Iran.
Since it had been published a lot of protests & demonstrations has been going on around the country. Yesterday, some had been gathered in front of the national TV to show their protest. I still wonder how that would help to solve the problem.
In the first place, the caricature shouldn’t have been published but now that the jobs done, what’s the use of all these fuss? The Chief editor in charge of the news paper is held under supervision of legal forces & the paper itself is banned from being published. An apology had been written even before the protests begin.
I hope one day we all learn to respect others & forgive their mistakes. It’s not like that a little mistake can’t be overlooked.

My Job Account

Well, AT last!
I've got the internet account over here at my office which means I would be updating more & more.
Tehran has had a few cool nights in the last week & I went out of town for the weekend. The weather is still nice & we had a lot of fun.
I'm not still adapted to my new schdual at work. but hey, as long as I have internet access that does not matter.

Changes

I wonder if I had changed into something I don’t want to be. Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know myself. It’s pretty unnerving when I find myself in a situation & I know that I’m acting in a wrong a way.
Isn’t it strange? During the last year, sometime during developing my job, I have turned into a judgmental, skeptical & guarded fellow who is always watching her back. My naturally easygoingness had altered to a rigid, up-to-a-limit decision making which had reduced the creativity in my job.
& that’s exactly what I’m supposed to be: a good-for-nothing OFFICER who only does what she is told or else she might lose her job. Due to some wicked lies of an addicted fibber I have transformed from an energetic young force in the site to a malicious melodrama queen who only seeks her own profits. & I guess I have my role in it: I had been over reacting to the wrong that was going on around me, & I had sticks to the ethics & morals I have been brought upon. It was not in my power to be leisurely oblivious to the deficiencies in my field. I could not sit & wait for people to do their jobs.
I have my mistakes too. I take business personal. I take my job as if my life depends on it; as if the whole free world destiny depends on accuracy & perfection of it. What’s more, patience had never been one of my practical virtues. I need to get to results in the shortest time possible.
All these had led me to land of doubtfulness. Indeed, I don’t know where I am going right now. There is no job-security, no job-satisfaction & nothing to start the day for. The pay-check is ok… it pays the bills & I get to have a lot fun. (& that means I earn enough to be able to afford the luxury of leisure.) However, as one of my colleagues once said: “We are all lost in the daily usualness of our lives.” We wake up, Go to Work, do the same job every day & come back home unsatisfied & hurt only to sleep & then wake up to yet another routine image of life.
Yet, I feel I need to set off to find new opportunities. Maybe it’s time I spread my wings & fellow with the wind & let the luck lead me away.
Iran’s critical condition is one of the few reasons I don’t like practice the idea above. Any move in the misty & uncertain situation we’re hanging in, can lead to a total disaster, cos there are no means to calculate the right moves. & I had lost the ability to risk. The funny point is, ironically not making a move too can lead to a catastrophe!
My contract will be over this week & there are talks of expanding it for the next 3 months. Till then I will have my Masc. exam results & shall be able to choose a right way out. Whatever may come, I don’t like the changes in me. I need to get back to the person I was before & soon.

Mr. Bluff

I really need to practice more self-control. I need to practice patience, which honestly has never been one of my not-so-many virtues.
What is THE matter? Simple: recently a colleague is getting on my nerve! Although I am much younger, he is the one who is inferior in rank. What I mean is that actually, I happen to be the boss & he happens to be under my supervision; which seems to be incomprehensible for him. It had never been one of my tactics to boss around or give orders. It’s more like me to ask for a favor rather than directing a command & that has gotten me in the situation where he shouts at me in front of a crowd. Thus, I feel it’s really time I did something about it.
The point is that ‘doing something about it’ means I have to go to mattresses & pick up a war & I have to neglect the respect I show him due to his elderliness.
It’s not the first time he had tried to interfere with my duties at work. I try not to be judgmental yet he never did his job the way he was supposed to do & when I tried to cover the part he must be doing, he felt in danger & tried his best to keep me out of the situation.
It’s partially my fault too. Being the perfectionist that I am, I never feel satisfied enough with the situation. & also I did let him overtake me because of my boyfriend.
You know that I supervise the cuisine contactor in my company. My boyfriend happened to be the contractor representative at the time we started going out. Due to the situation & the fact that in Iran having a boyfriend is kind of a TABOO for government (I work for a governmental company), I preferred to keep my relationship down low. Joop & I never let our relationship get in the middle of our jobs & soon he resigned & left the place. The colleague I’m talking about who is also an overseer figured that we were friends & send the reports to the heads which only led to me staying more in the office instead of the site & that made the quality of food so bad that the complains made them put me back on site.
I never mentioned a thing to him though. & I never mentioned that it was his fault & flaw, which made them put me back on site. Heaven knows it was much easier for me to be in the office cos basically that meant more power for me with less mess.
Now that I am back on the site again, I guess he feels terrorized, & he looks scared of losing his job because almost everybody knows he is an addict. & that is why he is getting on my nerve. He fears I try to get even! & I don’t know what to do really… he is preventing me from doing my job but I don’t think it’s fair to his family to have him out of job. Anyhow, he must learn a few lessons & the first is to know who the boss is.

I'm Just Back from a vacation...

Well, if you are a somebody here & you want to hang out by the beach in your own country... Kish is the place to go!
Ok you always have the Caspian 2 hours away, BUT Persian Golf is really something else. I always liked the south beach more than the north one.
However, I must admit that this trip had been sort of disappointment this time. I did have a ball at the Dolphin Park & the trip around the Island was absolutely fantastic; yet it didn't stop me from being a pain in the neck for my companians. & it didn't stop my friend either.
It was like we intentionally wanted to hurt each other which considering the fact that we've known eachother practically our whole lives, seemed rather odd. Yet that was a very good exprience.... I learened that even my closest friend sometimes doesn't understand my needs. & I learened that I am the one who has to deal with it. No matter what, I shouldn't have let small things ruin our time.
Anyhow, just leave it that. I know some of the readers may know her & they might get upset.
WE stayed at the 5-Star Shayan Hotel & due to the renovations undergoing very slowly we faced some incoviniences. Yet it is the hotel you stay in if you want to have fun. Although kish is an island, Shayan is the only hotel which accomidate you with private beach. & you can enjoy a lot of water sports as well as a good service. However, the bulding itself is old & you may find it not as neat as a 5-star is supposed to be. Besides it's the nearest one to the Malls so....
BTW, It was too windy for us to go jetskiing but a lot of people were wind surfing which was really nice.
This week is going to be a hard one at the office. We're swiching contractors & everything's a mess.
Wish me Luck.

Three Earthquakes Level Iranian Villages

& That's that?
I mean it's unbelieveable that a colugue of mine just called me up to ask if I was back from my vacation & if I was harmed & "fortunately the number of deads were low"! By Lord, how could he say such a thing?
The point is that I know the number is not even comparable to Bam earthquake yet... 1200 people are dead! & beside that... lots of others are homeless & need imidiate help. Westren parts of Iran is very cold in this season & I dont think without help the survivers can live long. Survivers... isn't this word supposed to be beautiful & give u a sence of secureness? Well, right now the only thing I can see is the ugly part of the word. I was just on the phone with my boyfriend & he tried to calm me down a bit with no success! He says I worry too much about the things I can not control....
There I said it! I mean the big news was... MY First Boyfriend! I'm not sure why we started dating! Anyhow, I've been dating this guy for 3 months now & well, it seems kind of ridicules now.
Forget it.... I may write about it soon. I just wanted you to know I am safe & sound.
And dont forget to donate.... These people need whatever you can get.... & most of all they need our support.

Is there any reason I cannot post on blogger?

I've been dieing to tell everyone the news but I could not log in to blogger.
Anyhow happy Iranian new year & I shall be back soon.

Plane Crashed...

I was not even in Tehran at the time. But it came to us as kind of a shock because it crashed in a residental area near airport. The whole crew & passengers of the plane passed away but the late captain did a very nice job & tried to land the plane with minimum destruction. Yet only those who have a little knowlege of poileting will understand this.
Right now the question is why the plane had taken off in the first place cos there had been soemthing wrong with it before. & the Defence minister has been called to Parliment to answer the questions.

My TOEFL Score Has Arrived!

& I do not believe my eyes! I got 657 out 0f 670 on the paper based test. Although as I reckoned before my TWE (Test of Written English) score is not good & I just received 4 out of 6 which is very low considering the score I expected. Well, that’s not surprising cos the time run out before I could write the conclusion for the writing test. I wish I could use other parts’ time to finish up my writing but alas. If I could, I would have around 15 minutes added to my 30-minutes time for writing & it would have been more than enough for me to complete my test.
I am still shocked for my general score, however. This means that I only had 3 wrong answers in the whole test! Which is absolutely crazy! I really didn’t think I would be able to perform that well on the test due to that fact that I was fasting. Besides, 657 is … I don’t know, it’s like a dream come true.
I’m not usually one to make a fuss about scores. Yet even the most self-obsessed part of me could not imagine this. I would have appreciated 630 but after seeing my friends’ scores, I assumed that mine would be around 600 or less. So either I have gotten lucky or the test score is wrong!
The funny point is that this particular score will do nothing for me. English knowledge is not appreciated very much at my company, not in my section anyway. & there would be no way I can use this score as long as I am in Iran.
That’s why I have seriously started to think about studying abroad. I don’t know where I can find a good university with low costs. & honestly, right now I feel it’s really unfair that my friend who has a lot of trouble making a sentence in English has the opportunity to study abroad cos she has become an immigrant due to her father’s status. I know I should not write this & I definitely understand that I should not envy her for the things she has. That’s not the way friends should feel about each other. But right now, I don’t feel like practicing the morals I have been brought up on.
I wish I could find something that she, herself had achieved without the help of her parents, so that I could relate her privileges to them. Life is not fair. & I have to shut up before I give in to this bottled-up-silently-screaming anger that I feel right now.
Adios.

Loneliness

And the emptiness is lethal. & the more I isolate myself, the more I feel hallow. & the more I try, the less I find a way out….
So everyday I just put off waking up to avoid facing arid days & I linger in my bed while my thoughts fly away to the nothingness land.
The ridiculous point is even in my dreams I am not content. I run away to fantasy yet even there, there is no comfort. So I just lie there in my bed & try hard to concentrate on an empty void…. Since it really doesn’t matter what I’m pondering about, the result is the same: I end up in emptiness & emptiness is lethal.

These is of our Garden's Pix

Dreams

I’ve been writing down my dreams ever since I can remember & it had led to me writing some pieces. Some time ago, I was searching through my notes & I found some of my old ones, one is based on a dream I had.
I wonder if it is right that our unconscious mind shows it’s creativity while we’re asleep. I mean right before I fall asleep all these ideas float into my mind & if only I could catch one of them, I would be able to write a masterpiece.
I gather some dreams are the ‘to-be-continued-s’ of my pre-sleep story-weavings. It is like I see the first episode when I’m still half-awake & in my slumber I make out the outline of the fantasy & then I dream it.
Do we have command on what we dream? I read Freud’s book of dreams recently. & he didn’t seem to think that human can control what they see in dreams. Well, he thinks that ‘we’ partially make dreams during the day. Yet he defines it as an uninhibited process. My question is if anybody else has ever controlled his or her dreams.